So for the last half hour I have been having an email conversation with a coworker regarding a new opportunity for me at work. As part of our exchange I was commenting that a certain event does not count as selling, I was going to say "it's like taking candy from a baby." I typed it and then I reconsidered.
1 Will the recipient understand this idiom? Sometimes things get lost in translation especially in emails.
Idiom - having a meaning that cannot be derived from the conjoined meanings of its elements (Merriam Webster)
2 Do I know what this idiom means????
So I looked it up and according to Urban Dictionary it suggests that something is very easy to do.
So then I start thinking since I have never had a baby I really don't know is it easy to take candy from a baby? Wait who gives a baby candy???? I mean come on what are we calling a baby here? I am assuming that baby qualifies as somewhere between new born and 15 months old right? Don't they turn into toddlers around then? So from birth to around a year old are people really giving those critters candy?? I mean come on isn't that dangerous, aren't there choking hazards? Well I don't know but back to my point...
Taking candy from a baby is very easy to do...Again I ask really who gives a baby candy but more importantly why would you take it away. Isn't the damage already done at that point? And once the critter tastes that sticky yummy goodness is it really going to give it up without a fight? I can assure you that if you give me candy and then try to take it away I will bite. So really is taking anything from a baby easy when they are awake? Many babies I have been in contact with from what I recall are not really big fans of having things taken away. I mean how many of you out there have a kid who screamed when you changed it's diaper? I mean come on taking poop from a baby is harder than taking candy? Surely not?
So in the end I decided not to make the comment but now I wonder, anyone have a baby I can borrow for 5 or 10 minutes? I promise to give it back and I can assure you if taking candy from a baby proves to be more difficult than this idiom suggests I the baby whisperer will have said baby back to you happy...After all when it comes to me making babies happy, it's just like taking candy from a baby!
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Monday, October 17, 2011
Spontaneously blind sky dive!
Spontaneously blind? Can that happen? Does that happen?
There have been two occasions now in my 30 something years when I have actually thought that I had gone blind…spontaneously blind mind you…
The first occasion of this spontaneous blindness was years ago at a conference for work outside of Chicago. My coworker and I traveled to this conference together at some point in the first day before lunch there was an announcement that there would be a scavenger hunt. The rules were 4 people to a team, no more than 2 people from 1 company on a team. Over lunch I announced to a table full of strangers that my coworker and I would be winning the scavenger hunt so if anyone wanted to be on the winning team to let me know. My coworker looked at me as though I had just told her she was going to build a pyramid, life size with no help, just like the Egyptians did only alone. Oddly enough two women across the table who both had fearful deer in headlight expressions said they wanted to be on my team. About an hour into the hunt. In the middle of November. In Chicago (I apologize for the grammar here I am trying to infer pointedness, yes I made up that word too). It was determined that one of us had a fever and needed to stop hanging her head out the window like a puppy… So my coworker (who since then has been a surrogate mother to me on more than 1 occasion) dropped me at my hotel room and headed back out with the other ladies and completed the scavenger hunt. Upon her return to the hotel after midnight she was kind enough to check on me (ok I say kind enough…really she is that kind but at the time we were required to share hotel rooms so it really wasn’t like it was an option)…So when she returned I told her that her eldest son S was in a complete state of panic because he had called 4 times and could not understand me when I said his mother was out on a scavenger hunt in Chicago. The fifth time he called I told him she had in fact been back but had gone out to get me some Nyquil since I was sounding worse and still awake (such a good mom she is). He was very clear that he did not believe me at such an hour of the night, honestly I kind of think he thought I had bought her some fancy new cement shoes and sent her down the river, HIS MOTHER DOES NOT STAY OUT THIS LATE… Anyway back to the blindness. The next morning in one of the sessions at this conference I was listening to a gentleman talk about replenishment in the Jewelry department a truly riveting topic that I was looking forward to. I could hear him talking but I all of a sudden I could no longer see him. In my mind I immediately think “oh my God I’ve gone blind! I can hear him but I can’t see him, oh my God what am I going to do? Ok lets calm down a minute, wait hold on are my eyes closed? Ummmmm yeah not blind eyes are closed, phshew!” big sigh of relief (again please excuse the grammar).
Spontaneously blind situation number two… Oh and yes we totally won that scavenger hunt (and when I say we I mean they since I was dying in the hotel room while they were driving all over creation)…
This past Saturday as some of you saw I went Sky Diving. I went with the coworker/surrogate mother/freind who was responsible for that scavenger hunt win in Chicago...hmmmm interesting…Ironic? Coincidence? We may never know… So D turned 50 on Friday and has been for as long as I can remember in the 11 years I have known her been planning to jump from a plane for her 50th birthday. She considers this the kick off to her bucket list. So for some reason somewhere along the lines I agree to jump out of said plane with her. I have to believe that I had a moment of spontaneous insanity when I agreed to take part in such festivities, but agreed to it so now I must do it. So Sat AM we get up early and we head out to Vandalia municipal airport in Vandalia Illinois. Upon our arrival and check in we are given a 6 page legal document that requires our signature and initials in approximately 27 different places. I could go into a ton of details on said legal document and the level of redline edits/addendums that I would suggest this fine establishment consider implementing but since I am neither a real lawyer nor do I have any plans to be one I will spare you the majority of the details but will share some highlights. My favorite points; 1 if I die or if I am injured I cannot sue, sky diving is dangerous I understand I might die. 2 the gear required for sky diving must be worn tightly and requires instructors to touch me in places that I could find inappropriate or uncomfortable (wait what inappropriate touching and that handsome gentleman will be dressing me???? Giddie up!!!) . 3 The only warranty we make regarding the equipment you will be using today is that it has been used before (um really that’s the warranty do you ever actually check the equipment to make sure it’s still in reasonable shape??? Nope apparently not and somehow I still am agreeing to this…hmmm well I guess the inappropriate touching makes up for the potentially dangerous gear). After a good 15 min of hysterical laughter while reading these legal documents my friend and I are moved into a room where we are forced to watch a “training” video… Um yeah the next time I am given a legal document and told to read and initial it can I assume that I don’t actually have to read it? That I will be locked in a room and forced to watch a “training video” that contains around 10 min of a green man reading said legal document to me???
Sorry I will get to the dive and the second incident of blindness soon. So after the video we get geared up and after a short wind delay we board what they say is a perfectly good plane (I am not completely sure I agree that this is a perfectly good plane but not really the point of this story). So we get in the air and D and her tandem guy ploop out of the plane (yes another made up word, but the next time you jump out of a plane I want you to look me in the eye when you tell me that plop is not the perfect word it, bet you can’t do it). The guy strapped to my back and I scootch into position (I am not going to apologize for making up words). So there we are sitting on the edge of this plane 10,000 feet up over Illinois, he tilts my head back and ploops us out of the plane. A few seconds later he is tapping my arms which means we are now in free fall and I can “relax” and make sure I am arched. So arms out legs up I open my eyes. The completely surreal feeling I experienced while sitting on the edge of the plane is still with me. As I float through the air…ok actually I am falling through the air not floating but frankly when they say you will not experience the sensation of falling at all you really feel like you are flying they are not kidding… So I am falling through the air and the thought hits me, sweet Jesus at the rate my jowls are flapping I am going to have to see a plastic surgeon stat! They tell you it will be hard to breath because of the force of air blowing at you and you should breath through your nose not your mouth but at no point do they tell you that while flying thru the air you will think of nothing other than I NEED A PLASTIC SURGEON (I am considering a joint venture with a plastic surgeon to open a booth within VMAP and do consultations post jump to see if I can get my face lift free after so many referrals). So after about 60 seconds of staring at the ground face flapping in a way I really hope to never feel again the guy strapped to my back says “ok gonna open the shoot now you want to pull”? While this sounds like maybe some more inappropriate touching I say “nah I’m just along for the ride.” So he tells me there will be a little jerk and then we will start floating down ward more slowly. So the jerk takes place and I start to hang onto my shoulder straps for dear life (what exactly holding onto my shoulder straps is going to do for me while I plummet towards my death I really don’t know but this is the position I find comfortable). So we fall and fall and fall and turn and fall and turn and I get woozy and turn and fall. The guy strapped to my back who’s name is not Casper (that was D’s guy’s name) and who’s name I could not remember if you paid me to says ok lets practice landing. “Ok” I say “what do I do”, “pull your legs up” he says. So try with all my might and I now am realizing I need to spend WAY more time on my abs. So as I grunt and get one leg up about an inch (legs at this point should be parallel to the ground my legs for all intensive purposes are perpendicular to the ground) guy strapped to my back says “see those blue things on your legs grab those and lift”. So I grab and lift (well hot dog I got my legs parallelish) and he says “great good job! we will be landing shortly when I tell you to do that again”. So I say “ok got it”. Fall fall turn fall fall turn woozy again he says “two turns left you still doing ok”? I say “yup… uh… no… not so much, you should know I’m going to pass out.”Guy strapped to my back: “I’m sorry what?” Me: “you should know I am going to pass out now… brrrlblele” (that last part was me trying to say “I can’t” in response to him saying “Paula, hang in there we are almost done, hang in” I tried to say more but I am not sure if anything coherent actually came out prior to my loss of consciousness after the warning). So next thing I know I am blind again spontaneously blind, in my mind I am thinking “oh my I can’t see, wait I have been here before, are my eyes open? My eyes are open my eyes, my are closed, open closed open closed still can’t see holy crap I am really blind this time, what am I doing how did I go blind?” Then far far away I hear “Paula are you with me? Paula? Are you with me? SHE IS NOT WITH ME.” At this point the voice jogs the memory and I think “ok what was I doing? Oh yeah I jumped out of a plane and the…oh wait I passed out, I’m not fully back yet, I’m probably not actually blind” and the lights start to come back on and I can in fact see again. I then realize I am actually on the ground sitting with a guy strapped to my back who is saying my name over and over and finally I say “can I lay down now?” So I lay down for about 15 seconds get myself composed and get up and head towards the inside. At this point I see D running towards me arms flailing yelling woo hoo. D notices that I am apparently the same color as the green lawyer in the training video and she slows down a little. The guy formerly known as the guy strapped to my back says “so can I say one thing?” I say “of course what is it?” He says “WHO WARNS SOMEONE THAT THEY ARE GOING TO PASSOUT???? I mean it was really nice of you and all but never have I been warned before someone loses consciousness!” I say “I do” and off he runs. The owner of VMAP is now walking with me, D joins us at this point and owner guy says “wait did you actually warn him before you passed out?” and I say “yes of course I did, why wouldn’t I? I always warn people before I pass out, wouldn’t it be rude not to?”
So to sum up my skydiving experience, Do I regret it? ABSOLUTELY NOT! Very surreal experience glad I did it. Would I do it again? ABSOLUTELY NOT! If you ask D she may tell you that my response when the folks at VMAP asked me that my response may have been a hair less lady like.
To sum up this post;
1. I have an unnatural belief that someday I am going to become spontaneously blind
2. If I ever tell you I am going to win a scavenger hunt believe me.
3. We have more proof that I really need a life, who finds legal documents funny and entertaining??? Oh right I do.
4. If I ever warn you that I am going to pass out you should believe me.
5. If you ever ask me to go sky diving with you prepare for an un lady like response.
6. I like to make up words.
7. I like to number things.
There have been two occasions now in my 30 something years when I have actually thought that I had gone blind…spontaneously blind mind you…
The first occasion of this spontaneous blindness was years ago at a conference for work outside of Chicago. My coworker and I traveled to this conference together at some point in the first day before lunch there was an announcement that there would be a scavenger hunt. The rules were 4 people to a team, no more than 2 people from 1 company on a team. Over lunch I announced to a table full of strangers that my coworker and I would be winning the scavenger hunt so if anyone wanted to be on the winning team to let me know. My coworker looked at me as though I had just told her she was going to build a pyramid, life size with no help, just like the Egyptians did only alone. Oddly enough two women across the table who both had fearful deer in headlight expressions said they wanted to be on my team. About an hour into the hunt. In the middle of November. In Chicago (I apologize for the grammar here I am trying to infer pointedness, yes I made up that word too). It was determined that one of us had a fever and needed to stop hanging her head out the window like a puppy… So my coworker (who since then has been a surrogate mother to me on more than 1 occasion) dropped me at my hotel room and headed back out with the other ladies and completed the scavenger hunt. Upon her return to the hotel after midnight she was kind enough to check on me (ok I say kind enough…really she is that kind but at the time we were required to share hotel rooms so it really wasn’t like it was an option)…So when she returned I told her that her eldest son S was in a complete state of panic because he had called 4 times and could not understand me when I said his mother was out on a scavenger hunt in Chicago. The fifth time he called I told him she had in fact been back but had gone out to get me some Nyquil since I was sounding worse and still awake (such a good mom she is). He was very clear that he did not believe me at such an hour of the night, honestly I kind of think he thought I had bought her some fancy new cement shoes and sent her down the river, HIS MOTHER DOES NOT STAY OUT THIS LATE… Anyway back to the blindness. The next morning in one of the sessions at this conference I was listening to a gentleman talk about replenishment in the Jewelry department a truly riveting topic that I was looking forward to. I could hear him talking but I all of a sudden I could no longer see him. In my mind I immediately think “oh my God I’ve gone blind! I can hear him but I can’t see him, oh my God what am I going to do? Ok lets calm down a minute, wait hold on are my eyes closed? Ummmmm yeah not blind eyes are closed, phshew!” big sigh of relief (again please excuse the grammar).
Spontaneously blind situation number two… Oh and yes we totally won that scavenger hunt (and when I say we I mean they since I was dying in the hotel room while they were driving all over creation)…
This past Saturday as some of you saw I went Sky Diving. I went with the coworker/surrogate mother/freind who was responsible for that scavenger hunt win in Chicago...hmmmm interesting…Ironic? Coincidence? We may never know… So D turned 50 on Friday and has been for as long as I can remember in the 11 years I have known her been planning to jump from a plane for her 50th birthday. She considers this the kick off to her bucket list. So for some reason somewhere along the lines I agree to jump out of said plane with her. I have to believe that I had a moment of spontaneous insanity when I agreed to take part in such festivities, but agreed to it so now I must do it. So Sat AM we get up early and we head out to Vandalia municipal airport in Vandalia Illinois. Upon our arrival and check in we are given a 6 page legal document that requires our signature and initials in approximately 27 different places. I could go into a ton of details on said legal document and the level of redline edits/addendums that I would suggest this fine establishment consider implementing but since I am neither a real lawyer nor do I have any plans to be one I will spare you the majority of the details but will share some highlights. My favorite points; 1 if I die or if I am injured I cannot sue, sky diving is dangerous I understand I might die. 2 the gear required for sky diving must be worn tightly and requires instructors to touch me in places that I could find inappropriate or uncomfortable (wait what inappropriate touching and that handsome gentleman will be dressing me???? Giddie up!!!) . 3 The only warranty we make regarding the equipment you will be using today is that it has been used before (um really that’s the warranty do you ever actually check the equipment to make sure it’s still in reasonable shape??? Nope apparently not and somehow I still am agreeing to this…hmmm well I guess the inappropriate touching makes up for the potentially dangerous gear). After a good 15 min of hysterical laughter while reading these legal documents my friend and I are moved into a room where we are forced to watch a “training” video… Um yeah the next time I am given a legal document and told to read and initial it can I assume that I don’t actually have to read it? That I will be locked in a room and forced to watch a “training video” that contains around 10 min of a green man reading said legal document to me???
Sorry I will get to the dive and the second incident of blindness soon. So after the video we get geared up and after a short wind delay we board what they say is a perfectly good plane (I am not completely sure I agree that this is a perfectly good plane but not really the point of this story). So we get in the air and D and her tandem guy ploop out of the plane (yes another made up word, but the next time you jump out of a plane I want you to look me in the eye when you tell me that plop is not the perfect word it, bet you can’t do it). The guy strapped to my back and I scootch into position (I am not going to apologize for making up words). So there we are sitting on the edge of this plane 10,000 feet up over Illinois, he tilts my head back and ploops us out of the plane. A few seconds later he is tapping my arms which means we are now in free fall and I can “relax” and make sure I am arched. So arms out legs up I open my eyes. The completely surreal feeling I experienced while sitting on the edge of the plane is still with me. As I float through the air…ok actually I am falling through the air not floating but frankly when they say you will not experience the sensation of falling at all you really feel like you are flying they are not kidding… So I am falling through the air and the thought hits me, sweet Jesus at the rate my jowls are flapping I am going to have to see a plastic surgeon stat! They tell you it will be hard to breath because of the force of air blowing at you and you should breath through your nose not your mouth but at no point do they tell you that while flying thru the air you will think of nothing other than I NEED A PLASTIC SURGEON (I am considering a joint venture with a plastic surgeon to open a booth within VMAP and do consultations post jump to see if I can get my face lift free after so many referrals). So after about 60 seconds of staring at the ground face flapping in a way I really hope to never feel again the guy strapped to my back says “ok gonna open the shoot now you want to pull”? While this sounds like maybe some more inappropriate touching I say “nah I’m just along for the ride.” So he tells me there will be a little jerk and then we will start floating down ward more slowly. So the jerk takes place and I start to hang onto my shoulder straps for dear life (what exactly holding onto my shoulder straps is going to do for me while I plummet towards my death I really don’t know but this is the position I find comfortable). So we fall and fall and fall and turn and fall and turn and I get woozy and turn and fall. The guy strapped to my back who’s name is not Casper (that was D’s guy’s name) and who’s name I could not remember if you paid me to says ok lets practice landing. “Ok” I say “what do I do”, “pull your legs up” he says. So try with all my might and I now am realizing I need to spend WAY more time on my abs. So as I grunt and get one leg up about an inch (legs at this point should be parallel to the ground my legs for all intensive purposes are perpendicular to the ground) guy strapped to my back says “see those blue things on your legs grab those and lift”. So I grab and lift (well hot dog I got my legs parallelish) and he says “great good job! we will be landing shortly when I tell you to do that again”. So I say “ok got it”. Fall fall turn fall fall turn woozy again he says “two turns left you still doing ok”? I say “yup… uh… no… not so much, you should know I’m going to pass out.”Guy strapped to my back: “I’m sorry what?” Me: “you should know I am going to pass out now… brrrlblele” (that last part was me trying to say “I can’t” in response to him saying “Paula, hang in there we are almost done, hang in” I tried to say more but I am not sure if anything coherent actually came out prior to my loss of consciousness after the warning). So next thing I know I am blind again spontaneously blind, in my mind I am thinking “oh my I can’t see, wait I have been here before, are my eyes open? My eyes are open my eyes, my are closed, open closed open closed still can’t see holy crap I am really blind this time, what am I doing how did I go blind?” Then far far away I hear “Paula are you with me? Paula? Are you with me? SHE IS NOT WITH ME.” At this point the voice jogs the memory and I think “ok what was I doing? Oh yeah I jumped out of a plane and the…oh wait I passed out, I’m not fully back yet, I’m probably not actually blind” and the lights start to come back on and I can in fact see again. I then realize I am actually on the ground sitting with a guy strapped to my back who is saying my name over and over and finally I say “can I lay down now?” So I lay down for about 15 seconds get myself composed and get up and head towards the inside. At this point I see D running towards me arms flailing yelling woo hoo. D notices that I am apparently the same color as the green lawyer in the training video and she slows down a little. The guy formerly known as the guy strapped to my back says “so can I say one thing?” I say “of course what is it?” He says “WHO WARNS SOMEONE THAT THEY ARE GOING TO PASSOUT???? I mean it was really nice of you and all but never have I been warned before someone loses consciousness!” I say “I do” and off he runs. The owner of VMAP is now walking with me, D joins us at this point and owner guy says “wait did you actually warn him before you passed out?” and I say “yes of course I did, why wouldn’t I? I always warn people before I pass out, wouldn’t it be rude not to?”
So to sum up my skydiving experience, Do I regret it? ABSOLUTELY NOT! Very surreal experience glad I did it. Would I do it again? ABSOLUTELY NOT! If you ask D she may tell you that my response when the folks at VMAP asked me that my response may have been a hair less lady like.
To sum up this post;
1. I have an unnatural belief that someday I am going to become spontaneously blind
2. If I ever tell you I am going to win a scavenger hunt believe me.
3. We have more proof that I really need a life, who finds legal documents funny and entertaining??? Oh right I do.
4. If I ever warn you that I am going to pass out you should believe me.
5. If you ever ask me to go sky diving with you prepare for an un lady like response.
6. I like to make up words.
7. I like to number things.
Friday, February 25, 2011
So many books so little time.
I read “A Message to Garcia” by Elbert Hubbard this evening. It’s not so much a book as it is an article that has been given a hard back to protect it through time as it’s moral should be protected.
Last week I attended a class on time management and the instructor (and I use that term loosely) made the comment “if you could learn to read faster why wouldn’t you?” I did not think much of it at the time but over the past few days I have contemplated this thought. I understand his point and where he is coming from. I spent a few hours last night walking around Barnes and Noble and I kept seeing books that I want desperately to read.
I am admittedly a very slow reader and I often have to read things a few time before they will sink in. That however will not be solved by taking a speed reading class, I am pretty sure I would need a Sylvan learning center to help with that issue. At the same time I am not sure that I want to be able to read faster.
There is nothing like picking up a book and losing yourself and your worries in it’s story. Sometimes even finding yourself in the pages. A good book is nothing if not sapid and to devour one without taking the time to cherish and experience the story being told seems disrespectful to the individual who took the time to share his or her thoughts and feelings. So for now I will continue to curl up with my books and immerse myself in their pages taking my time to feel what is there to be felt
Last week I attended a class on time management and the instructor (and I use that term loosely) made the comment “if you could learn to read faster why wouldn’t you?” I did not think much of it at the time but over the past few days I have contemplated this thought. I understand his point and where he is coming from. I spent a few hours last night walking around Barnes and Noble and I kept seeing books that I want desperately to read.
I am admittedly a very slow reader and I often have to read things a few time before they will sink in. That however will not be solved by taking a speed reading class, I am pretty sure I would need a Sylvan learning center to help with that issue. At the same time I am not sure that I want to be able to read faster.
There is nothing like picking up a book and losing yourself and your worries in it’s story. Sometimes even finding yourself in the pages. A good book is nothing if not sapid and to devour one without taking the time to cherish and experience the story being told seems disrespectful to the individual who took the time to share his or her thoughts and feelings. So for now I will continue to curl up with my books and immerse myself in their pages taking my time to feel what is there to be felt
Thursday, December 30, 2010
The people I meet.
There is a poem that says “People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.” Generally speaking I know very quickly if it will be a reason a season or a lifetime.
On Dec 16th I was on a flight from Saint Louis to Fort Meyers via Chicago. There was a gentleman sitting next to me who looked and sounded like Mike Ditka. Generally speaking I do not prefer a flight next to Chatty Charlie however Joe (aka Mike D) was not going to let me sleep, read or listen to my ipod (chances are the fact that my head phones were not actually plugged into my ipod gave away the fact that I was not actually listening to anything but just trying to block out the world).
Joe asked me where I was from and where I was headed and we proceeded to talk about his life my life etc. By the end of the flight he had told me at least 6 times how happy he was for me that I would be spending the Holiday’s with my family and how much he liked me but he was not sure why. As we were coming in for a landing in Chicago he gave me some very nice words of wisdom to which I kindly responded “Jesus your getting a little old and wise on me here what the hell?” Had you all been a part of our 53 min conversation you would realize this was a completely appropriate response for the incredibly deep advice I had just received.
He ended the conversation with “I have one more question for you, what’s your name?” I told him and said “My name is Joe and I cannot wait to tell my friends that I met this amazing girl on the plane who I have no idea why I like her so much and I gave her some amazing advice. Only for them to all laugh in my face and say Joe you were drunk and dreaming.”
Joe is clearly a reason not a season or a lifetime. His advice was very timely and relevant to my situation at hand (unfortunately it did not really bring clarity or decision to the situation I am currently debating but it was timely and appreciated).
That being said Joe in another example of the odd responses I get from the people that I meet. There are generally two distinctly different responses 1) the people I meet really like me immediately and yet have no reason or clue why they like me they just know they do 2) they find me cold and stand-off-ish. In both cases in the end they generally come to find that I am awesome (and super modest ) and they either were right to like me upon meeting or wrong to think I was bitchy. What I find peculiar is how there are these two vastly opposite responses to me upon first impression. I often wonder what I am doing or saying in social situations to illicit such differing responses from people.
Any way I can tell you that the cold and stand-off-ish ness is simply because I am shy and socially awkward. It is not intentional not personal and if I knew I was doing it I would absolutely stop. To be honest I get kind of tired of hearing how much more fun I am than you thought I would be and that I am really not bitchy at all (while I know you all mean well when you say it, it’s actually not a compliment).
So for those I have not met or those who are with me when I meet new people feel free to give me a code word so that if I am being cold I can attempt to step back and see if I can decipher what I am doing or saying that is different from when I have me some of you who instantly loved me (although I have to say there are a number of people who to this day I really cannot imagine what they liked off the bat cause I really thought I was cold).
On Dec 16th I was on a flight from Saint Louis to Fort Meyers via Chicago. There was a gentleman sitting next to me who looked and sounded like Mike Ditka. Generally speaking I do not prefer a flight next to Chatty Charlie however Joe (aka Mike D) was not going to let me sleep, read or listen to my ipod (chances are the fact that my head phones were not actually plugged into my ipod gave away the fact that I was not actually listening to anything but just trying to block out the world).
Joe asked me where I was from and where I was headed and we proceeded to talk about his life my life etc. By the end of the flight he had told me at least 6 times how happy he was for me that I would be spending the Holiday’s with my family and how much he liked me but he was not sure why. As we were coming in for a landing in Chicago he gave me some very nice words of wisdom to which I kindly responded “Jesus your getting a little old and wise on me here what the hell?” Had you all been a part of our 53 min conversation you would realize this was a completely appropriate response for the incredibly deep advice I had just received.
He ended the conversation with “I have one more question for you, what’s your name?” I told him and said “My name is Joe and I cannot wait to tell my friends that I met this amazing girl on the plane who I have no idea why I like her so much and I gave her some amazing advice. Only for them to all laugh in my face and say Joe you were drunk and dreaming.”
Joe is clearly a reason not a season or a lifetime. His advice was very timely and relevant to my situation at hand (unfortunately it did not really bring clarity or decision to the situation I am currently debating but it was timely and appreciated).
That being said Joe in another example of the odd responses I get from the people that I meet. There are generally two distinctly different responses 1) the people I meet really like me immediately and yet have no reason or clue why they like me they just know they do 2) they find me cold and stand-off-ish. In both cases in the end they generally come to find that I am awesome (and super modest ) and they either were right to like me upon meeting or wrong to think I was bitchy. What I find peculiar is how there are these two vastly opposite responses to me upon first impression. I often wonder what I am doing or saying in social situations to illicit such differing responses from people.
Any way I can tell you that the cold and stand-off-ish ness is simply because I am shy and socially awkward. It is not intentional not personal and if I knew I was doing it I would absolutely stop. To be honest I get kind of tired of hearing how much more fun I am than you thought I would be and that I am really not bitchy at all (while I know you all mean well when you say it, it’s actually not a compliment).
So for those I have not met or those who are with me when I meet new people feel free to give me a code word so that if I am being cold I can attempt to step back and see if I can decipher what I am doing or saying that is different from when I have me some of you who instantly loved me (although I have to say there are a number of people who to this day I really cannot imagine what they liked off the bat cause I really thought I was cold).
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Remind me again why there are no laws in breeding?
As the day has progressed my title has gone from Where does that math go? (a reference to the song "Where does the good go" which is a great song but definitely not proper tense) to Remind me again why there are no laws in breeding?
So I will start with where does the math go? This morning I stopped at St Louis Bread Company (for my out of town friends Panera Bread) to get a bagel and coffee. My total was $3.47. I handed the young man waiting on me $20.07, his immediate response was "$3.47 out of $20.07, your change will be $16.60." How sad is it that I gave myself whiplash looking up to check the screen which led me to complete awe thinking to myself did you really just tell me the correct change amount without using the register or a calculator???? Did you just do math in your head???? Can I hug you? Now I realize that not everyone has a natural penchant for math (and no this is not where the laws in breeding comes in...but the laws would certainly not hurt this next point). It is completely ok for not everyone to have that naturally math driven mind I and understand that math is more difficult for some than it is others (just like spelling is a huge challenge for me and always has been). But... normally when I give someone $20.47 on a total of $3.47 they will hand my nickel back and tell me I gave them too much... Um no actually I gave you exactly what I wanted to give you. See I want two quarters and a dime back instead of two quarters and nickel, now I grant you perhaps I should accept the fact that my aversion to nickels is peculiar. And one might ask does it really make a difference to have two quarters and dime vs two quarters and two nickels??? Well actually yes it does make a difference because the end result is 3 coins in my purse versus 4. So long thought longer, I commend the young man today for actually making a conscious effort to use his brain and his ability to do math in his head as opposed to assuming I don't know what my total is.
Now for the real question of the day...Remind me again why there are no laws in breeding?
As many of you know I consider my neighborhood to be an odd mix of posh and ghetto. Th Walgreens in my neighborhood is by far GHETTO with absolutely no posh (ok except for the 5 minutes a few weeks ago that Kanye and Amber Rose where shopping there then it was almost posh). Today is the third of August 2010. Which means that I have worked in retailing for (gulp) 20 years. One would think that after 20 years in an industry often impacted by the first and fifteenth I would know better than to attempt to pick up a prescription for all intensive purposes two days after "pay day" in the ghetto... (still not where the laws come in just exceptionally poor planning on my part)
After sitting in the drive through for roughly 21 minutes I decided this is silly I am perfectly capable of going inside (I am not at all helping my own cause here tonight). So I went into my oh so ghetto Walgreens. I should have known from the # of cars in the lot that it would be a spectacular display. As I waited in line and looked around I wondered when it became acceptable to wear a nightgown (leopard print at that) as a dress in public (now she was wearing a bra so it could have been worse)? Finlay after 7 people in line in front of me I get to the counter and I say my last name following it up with the spelling. As always the gentleman waiting on me walks to computer and types in something that I can only assume to be my last name, and since he then looks at me and says Paula with an inflection that leads me to believe this is a question I say in yes. He then walks to the bins and starts looking through the C's surprisingly to him he does not find my prescription in the Co bin so he turns to me and says "it will be ready in 15 minutes." With as much calm as I can muster (if you have heard any of my other experiences of this particular Walgreens you know that I really really really really want my lovely hemp wearing left wing liberal neighbors to get off their non capatalistics butts and let CVS in already!!!) I say "um are you sure it's not ready because I would think you would want to look over here in the bins that start with K since my last name actually starts with a K and technically speaking it was supposed to be ready Sunday so I would like you to look again". "and when I came in last night to pick it up and it was not ready I was very understanding to the fact that I failed to remember that you will not fill my Rx's without verbal confirmation from me that I am willing pay for my Rx (really me of all the people I have stood in line with here tonight I am the one you have to question is going to pay really??). So after nicely asking him to look again he walks to the screen and says "how do you spell your name?" K-O-R-M-A-N "well its not in the bins so its not ready" (deep calming breath) "um yeah so I could be wrong but that bin that you looked in says C-O not K-O and well what does the screen say?" "how do you spell your name?" (in my head I am now saying are you effing kidding me is it really this hard you have my information on the screen in front of you I can CLEARLY see Korman, Paula why won't you look in the dadgum bin??????) After about 45 seconds of my blank stare he says "K-O" and I nod and smile through the clenched jaw and say "yes K-O which I really think is in these bins over here." So he says "ok I'm really sorry but it's going to be 15 minutes because its not ready yet" So I say "Ok but I guessed I am concerned as to why last night when I came in to pick it up they told me they needed verbal commitment that I would pay for the Rx (again REALLY???) and that it would be ready in an hour. So instead of coming back last night I am now here 24 hours later and did I somehow miss my window of opportunity to pick up? Is my verbal commitment only good for an hour? What can I do in the future to ensure that I am meeting your needs so that I as a customer can leave happy because right now every time I come into this store I do not leave happy." After 45 seconds of blank stare from everyone around me I say "ok well I guess just fill it and let me know when it's done" and I walk over to look at the allergy medicine. 45 seconds later the young man comes out and says "I believe your Rx is ready." I simply respond with "great? thanks?" I turn and look at the line and there now are officially 7 more people in front of me and I get to wait for all 7 of them to be helped... So after all that apparently the lady working with him actually looked in the bin that holds the K-O and surprise surprise found my Rx.
Now had I not had the opportunity to stand in line AGAIN I would not have had the "pleasure" of hearing the story the security guard was telling one of his buddies (yes my Walgreens has 24 hour armed guards I like to call that the posh part of my hood even though I know deep down inside they only have armed guards in the "hood"). So the part of the story I hear is this "well she tells me she locked her keys in the car and she needs me to unlock the door for her, I tell her i cant because I don't have the tools and they wont let me do that here but I can call the police for her. She tells me I cant call the police on her cause she left her baby in the car so I say well if you left the car running and locked the keys and the kid in the car they will come right away and there wont be a problem. Then she says well the car aint running i just locked the baby in it cause i was only running in for a minuit so I tell her well i really cant open your car for you I gotta call the police it's Walgreens policy. She says then man you cant call the police I got no chances left they gonna take my baby for sure this time" For those not sure it is 90 degrees outside as I am typing this. I am at home trying to digest the fact that a 19 year old clerk at Walgreens cant spell my name when it is on the screen in front of him, the people that shop in my Walgreens are all crazy and apparently somehow its ok to break from Walgreens policy and break into a woman's car for her because she is for sure going to lose her baby this time...
So I ask you why don't we have laws in breeding again?
So I will start with where does the math go? This morning I stopped at St Louis Bread Company (for my out of town friends Panera Bread) to get a bagel and coffee. My total was $3.47. I handed the young man waiting on me $20.07, his immediate response was "$3.47 out of $20.07, your change will be $16.60." How sad is it that I gave myself whiplash looking up to check the screen which led me to complete awe thinking to myself did you really just tell me the correct change amount without using the register or a calculator???? Did you just do math in your head???? Can I hug you? Now I realize that not everyone has a natural penchant for math (and no this is not where the laws in breeding comes in...but the laws would certainly not hurt this next point). It is completely ok for not everyone to have that naturally math driven mind I and understand that math is more difficult for some than it is others (just like spelling is a huge challenge for me and always has been). But... normally when I give someone $20.47 on a total of $3.47 they will hand my nickel back and tell me I gave them too much... Um no actually I gave you exactly what I wanted to give you. See I want two quarters and a dime back instead of two quarters and nickel, now I grant you perhaps I should accept the fact that my aversion to nickels is peculiar. And one might ask does it really make a difference to have two quarters and dime vs two quarters and two nickels??? Well actually yes it does make a difference because the end result is 3 coins in my purse versus 4. So long thought longer, I commend the young man today for actually making a conscious effort to use his brain and his ability to do math in his head as opposed to assuming I don't know what my total is.
Now for the real question of the day...Remind me again why there are no laws in breeding?
As many of you know I consider my neighborhood to be an odd mix of posh and ghetto. Th Walgreens in my neighborhood is by far GHETTO with absolutely no posh (ok except for the 5 minutes a few weeks ago that Kanye and Amber Rose where shopping there then it was almost posh). Today is the third of August 2010. Which means that I have worked in retailing for (gulp) 20 years. One would think that after 20 years in an industry often impacted by the first and fifteenth I would know better than to attempt to pick up a prescription for all intensive purposes two days after "pay day" in the ghetto... (still not where the laws come in just exceptionally poor planning on my part)
After sitting in the drive through for roughly 21 minutes I decided this is silly I am perfectly capable of going inside (I am not at all helping my own cause here tonight). So I went into my oh so ghetto Walgreens. I should have known from the # of cars in the lot that it would be a spectacular display. As I waited in line and looked around I wondered when it became acceptable to wear a nightgown (leopard print at that) as a dress in public (now she was wearing a bra so it could have been worse)? Finlay after 7 people in line in front of me I get to the counter and I say my last name following it up with the spelling. As always the gentleman waiting on me walks to computer and types in something that I can only assume to be my last name, and since he then looks at me and says Paula with an inflection that leads me to believe this is a question I say in yes. He then walks to the bins and starts looking through the C's surprisingly to him he does not find my prescription in the Co bin so he turns to me and says "it will be ready in 15 minutes." With as much calm as I can muster (if you have heard any of my other experiences of this particular Walgreens you know that I really really really really want my lovely hemp wearing left wing liberal neighbors to get off their non capatalistics butts and let CVS in already!!!) I say "um are you sure it's not ready because I would think you would want to look over here in the bins that start with K since my last name actually starts with a K and technically speaking it was supposed to be ready Sunday so I would like you to look again". "and when I came in last night to pick it up and it was not ready I was very understanding to the fact that I failed to remember that you will not fill my Rx's without verbal confirmation from me that I am willing pay for my Rx (really me of all the people I have stood in line with here tonight I am the one you have to question is going to pay really??). So after nicely asking him to look again he walks to the screen and says "how do you spell your name?" K-O-R-M-A-N "well its not in the bins so its not ready" (deep calming breath) "um yeah so I could be wrong but that bin that you looked in says C-O not K-O and well what does the screen say?" "how do you spell your name?" (in my head I am now saying are you effing kidding me is it really this hard you have my information on the screen in front of you I can CLEARLY see Korman, Paula why won't you look in the dadgum bin??????) After about 45 seconds of my blank stare he says "K-O" and I nod and smile through the clenched jaw and say "yes K-O which I really think is in these bins over here." So he says "ok I'm really sorry but it's going to be 15 minutes because its not ready yet" So I say "Ok but I guessed I am concerned as to why last night when I came in to pick it up they told me they needed verbal commitment that I would pay for the Rx (again REALLY???) and that it would be ready in an hour. So instead of coming back last night I am now here 24 hours later and did I somehow miss my window of opportunity to pick up? Is my verbal commitment only good for an hour? What can I do in the future to ensure that I am meeting your needs so that I as a customer can leave happy because right now every time I come into this store I do not leave happy." After 45 seconds of blank stare from everyone around me I say "ok well I guess just fill it and let me know when it's done" and I walk over to look at the allergy medicine. 45 seconds later the young man comes out and says "I believe your Rx is ready." I simply respond with "great? thanks?" I turn and look at the line and there now are officially 7 more people in front of me and I get to wait for all 7 of them to be helped... So after all that apparently the lady working with him actually looked in the bin that holds the K-O and surprise surprise found my Rx.
Now had I not had the opportunity to stand in line AGAIN I would not have had the "pleasure" of hearing the story the security guard was telling one of his buddies (yes my Walgreens has 24 hour armed guards I like to call that the posh part of my hood even though I know deep down inside they only have armed guards in the "hood"). So the part of the story I hear is this "well she tells me she locked her keys in the car and she needs me to unlock the door for her, I tell her i cant because I don't have the tools and they wont let me do that here but I can call the police for her. She tells me I cant call the police on her cause she left her baby in the car so I say well if you left the car running and locked the keys and the kid in the car they will come right away and there wont be a problem. Then she says well the car aint running i just locked the baby in it cause i was only running in for a minuit so I tell her well i really cant open your car for you I gotta call the police it's Walgreens policy. She says then man you cant call the police I got no chances left they gonna take my baby for sure this time" For those not sure it is 90 degrees outside as I am typing this. I am at home trying to digest the fact that a 19 year old clerk at Walgreens cant spell my name when it is on the screen in front of him, the people that shop in my Walgreens are all crazy and apparently somehow its ok to break from Walgreens policy and break into a woman's car for her because she is for sure going to lose her baby this time...
So I ask you why don't we have laws in breeding again?
Friday, July 16, 2010
The lost art of humility...
In the event you are not familiar with the definition of the word humility it is "the quality or state of being humble." Now just in case you do not know the definition of of humble it is "not proud or haughty: not arrogant or assertive, reflecting, expressing, or offered in a spirit of deference or submission." I realize I could continue to define deference and submission here but I would hope you all know the definitions or at least get the point.
I have this warped sense of reality in believing that certain social situations should be entered into with at least some level of humility. It amazes me how few people still believe that when entering into a new group of people you exorcised humility. I am a firm believer in the sit back and quietly observe philosophy when introduced into a new social setting.
Thus far in my life I have met a variety of people who have held fairly high profile positions; ok so really aside from the random celebrities at the airport and golf tournaments I have met some top Walmart executives no one really " bigger" than that but come on how much bigger than that does it really get? I have not met Desmond Tutu, Nelson Mandela nor Mahatma Gandhi. Of the WM executives I have met I can say that in three of the four the level of humility made it a true honor to meet these men (the one left a little to be desired but that honestly did not surprise me). When I think of the three public figures I sense an immense humility (again perhaps it is my warped sense of reality).
Now don't get me wrong I can be arrogant and full of myself but in most cases I think you all know that is me being silly and far from the truth (well now I am wondering again about that darned warped reality????).
I watch new people join social settings and to my knowledge these people have not successfully run the largest retailer in the world. They have not been pivotal figures in modern social and political activism, yet they seem to think they should be treated as though they have cured cancer. Now lets take step back here, would you be in my social circle if you were really "all that"?
For the most part it is fairly easy to group the people who come and go in our lives into segments of personalities (well clearly it is easy if it wasn't there would not be so many personality profiling systems out there).
If it wasn't for the fact that I prefer to walk a path of humility in this life I would really like to laugh in the faces of those who do not. Instead I sit back and watch as they walk the path of so many others who came before them and just shake my head while they believe they will change the world.
I have this warped sense of reality in believing that certain social situations should be entered into with at least some level of humility. It amazes me how few people still believe that when entering into a new group of people you exorcised humility. I am a firm believer in the sit back and quietly observe philosophy when introduced into a new social setting.
Thus far in my life I have met a variety of people who have held fairly high profile positions; ok so really aside from the random celebrities at the airport and golf tournaments I have met some top Walmart executives no one really " bigger" than that but come on how much bigger than that does it really get? I have not met Desmond Tutu, Nelson Mandela nor Mahatma Gandhi. Of the WM executives I have met I can say that in three of the four the level of humility made it a true honor to meet these men (the one left a little to be desired but that honestly did not surprise me). When I think of the three public figures I sense an immense humility (again perhaps it is my warped sense of reality).
Now don't get me wrong I can be arrogant and full of myself but in most cases I think you all know that is me being silly and far from the truth (well now I am wondering again about that darned warped reality????).
I watch new people join social settings and to my knowledge these people have not successfully run the largest retailer in the world. They have not been pivotal figures in modern social and political activism, yet they seem to think they should be treated as though they have cured cancer. Now lets take step back here, would you be in my social circle if you were really "all that"?
For the most part it is fairly easy to group the people who come and go in our lives into segments of personalities (well clearly it is easy if it wasn't there would not be so many personality profiling systems out there).
If it wasn't for the fact that I prefer to walk a path of humility in this life I would really like to laugh in the faces of those who do not. Instead I sit back and watch as they walk the path of so many others who came before them and just shake my head while they believe they will change the world.
Monday, June 28, 2010
Why are bathroom tissue dispensers so difficult?
So every day at some point in the day I end up in the first stall of the bathroom closest to my desk at the big A. It seems that the toilet paper dispenser in this particular stall is stuck in a permanent state of disarray. I struggle to wrap my mind around the complex piece of "machinery" that is a toilette paper dispenser. I have been in a number of ladies rooms (and a hand full of men's rooms for that matter) throughout North America and Europe and frankly no one has mastered the TP dispenser. I mean really can someone tell me why it is so impossible to create a TPD that works? At the Big A we have the double decker version, the issue with this type of TPD is if the top roll is prematurely dropped from its top location you get one sheet at a time. ONE SHEET AT A TIME... My question with this type is who is experiencing the knee jerk reaction when the bottom roll is 3/4 gone that they need to release the top role as though to check and make sure its available if needed? At the other building we have the industrial side by side version. Most of the time this variety is great, however on occasion the door that slides is locked in a left or right position that is opposite of the position of the available roll. When this happens you are forced to wedge your hand up in the opposite side of the TPD and scratch at the roll until it turns to where you can grab onto the square and pull...Sweet victory! There are others that I could discuss, the 5 roll holder often found in airports, the gravity feed single square dispenser (rarely found in the US) and of course the single roll holder. It seems odd to me that we can perform surgery on a baby before it is born yet we can not create a fail safe TPD. I guess the people who would be designing such a wonder of the world are likely out there designing tools to perform these little miracles but come on somewhere there has to be an "under achiever" who wants the TP to roll when we want it to and stop when rolling when we are done.
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