So for the last half hour I have been having an email conversation with a coworker regarding a new opportunity for me at work. As part of our exchange I was commenting that a certain event does not count as selling, I was going to say "it's like taking candy from a baby." I typed it and then I reconsidered.
1 Will the recipient understand this idiom? Sometimes things get lost in translation especially in emails.
Idiom - having a meaning that cannot be derived from the conjoined meanings of its elements (Merriam Webster)
2 Do I know what this idiom means????
So I looked it up and according to Urban Dictionary it suggests that something is very easy to do.
So then I start thinking since I have never had a baby I really don't know is it easy to take candy from a baby? Wait who gives a baby candy???? I mean come on what are we calling a baby here? I am assuming that baby qualifies as somewhere between new born and 15 months old right? Don't they turn into toddlers around then? So from birth to around a year old are people really giving those critters candy?? I mean come on isn't that dangerous, aren't there choking hazards? Well I don't know but back to my point...
Taking candy from a baby is very easy to do...Again I ask really who gives a baby candy but more importantly why would you take it away. Isn't the damage already done at that point? And once the critter tastes that sticky yummy goodness is it really going to give it up without a fight? I can assure you that if you give me candy and then try to take it away I will bite. So really is taking anything from a baby easy when they are awake? Many babies I have been in contact with from what I recall are not really big fans of having things taken away. I mean how many of you out there have a kid who screamed when you changed it's diaper? I mean come on taking poop from a baby is harder than taking candy? Surely not?
So in the end I decided not to make the comment but now I wonder, anyone have a baby I can borrow for 5 or 10 minutes? I promise to give it back and I can assure you if taking candy from a baby proves to be more difficult than this idiom suggests I the baby whisperer will have said baby back to you happy...After all when it comes to me making babies happy, it's just like taking candy from a baby!
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Monday, October 17, 2011
Spontaneously blind sky dive!
Spontaneously blind? Can that happen? Does that happen?
There have been two occasions now in my 30 something years when I have actually thought that I had gone blind…spontaneously blind mind you…
The first occasion of this spontaneous blindness was years ago at a conference for work outside of Chicago. My coworker and I traveled to this conference together at some point in the first day before lunch there was an announcement that there would be a scavenger hunt. The rules were 4 people to a team, no more than 2 people from 1 company on a team. Over lunch I announced to a table full of strangers that my coworker and I would be winning the scavenger hunt so if anyone wanted to be on the winning team to let me know. My coworker looked at me as though I had just told her she was going to build a pyramid, life size with no help, just like the Egyptians did only alone. Oddly enough two women across the table who both had fearful deer in headlight expressions said they wanted to be on my team. About an hour into the hunt. In the middle of November. In Chicago (I apologize for the grammar here I am trying to infer pointedness, yes I made up that word too). It was determined that one of us had a fever and needed to stop hanging her head out the window like a puppy… So my coworker (who since then has been a surrogate mother to me on more than 1 occasion) dropped me at my hotel room and headed back out with the other ladies and completed the scavenger hunt. Upon her return to the hotel after midnight she was kind enough to check on me (ok I say kind enough…really she is that kind but at the time we were required to share hotel rooms so it really wasn’t like it was an option)…So when she returned I told her that her eldest son S was in a complete state of panic because he had called 4 times and could not understand me when I said his mother was out on a scavenger hunt in Chicago. The fifth time he called I told him she had in fact been back but had gone out to get me some Nyquil since I was sounding worse and still awake (such a good mom she is). He was very clear that he did not believe me at such an hour of the night, honestly I kind of think he thought I had bought her some fancy new cement shoes and sent her down the river, HIS MOTHER DOES NOT STAY OUT THIS LATE… Anyway back to the blindness. The next morning in one of the sessions at this conference I was listening to a gentleman talk about replenishment in the Jewelry department a truly riveting topic that I was looking forward to. I could hear him talking but I all of a sudden I could no longer see him. In my mind I immediately think “oh my God I’ve gone blind! I can hear him but I can’t see him, oh my God what am I going to do? Ok lets calm down a minute, wait hold on are my eyes closed? Ummmmm yeah not blind eyes are closed, phshew!” big sigh of relief (again please excuse the grammar).
Spontaneously blind situation number two… Oh and yes we totally won that scavenger hunt (and when I say we I mean they since I was dying in the hotel room while they were driving all over creation)…
This past Saturday as some of you saw I went Sky Diving. I went with the coworker/surrogate mother/freind who was responsible for that scavenger hunt win in Chicago...hmmmm interesting…Ironic? Coincidence? We may never know… So D turned 50 on Friday and has been for as long as I can remember in the 11 years I have known her been planning to jump from a plane for her 50th birthday. She considers this the kick off to her bucket list. So for some reason somewhere along the lines I agree to jump out of said plane with her. I have to believe that I had a moment of spontaneous insanity when I agreed to take part in such festivities, but agreed to it so now I must do it. So Sat AM we get up early and we head out to Vandalia municipal airport in Vandalia Illinois. Upon our arrival and check in we are given a 6 page legal document that requires our signature and initials in approximately 27 different places. I could go into a ton of details on said legal document and the level of redline edits/addendums that I would suggest this fine establishment consider implementing but since I am neither a real lawyer nor do I have any plans to be one I will spare you the majority of the details but will share some highlights. My favorite points; 1 if I die or if I am injured I cannot sue, sky diving is dangerous I understand I might die. 2 the gear required for sky diving must be worn tightly and requires instructors to touch me in places that I could find inappropriate or uncomfortable (wait what inappropriate touching and that handsome gentleman will be dressing me???? Giddie up!!!) . 3 The only warranty we make regarding the equipment you will be using today is that it has been used before (um really that’s the warranty do you ever actually check the equipment to make sure it’s still in reasonable shape??? Nope apparently not and somehow I still am agreeing to this…hmmm well I guess the inappropriate touching makes up for the potentially dangerous gear). After a good 15 min of hysterical laughter while reading these legal documents my friend and I are moved into a room where we are forced to watch a “training” video… Um yeah the next time I am given a legal document and told to read and initial it can I assume that I don’t actually have to read it? That I will be locked in a room and forced to watch a “training video” that contains around 10 min of a green man reading said legal document to me???
Sorry I will get to the dive and the second incident of blindness soon. So after the video we get geared up and after a short wind delay we board what they say is a perfectly good plane (I am not completely sure I agree that this is a perfectly good plane but not really the point of this story). So we get in the air and D and her tandem guy ploop out of the plane (yes another made up word, but the next time you jump out of a plane I want you to look me in the eye when you tell me that plop is not the perfect word it, bet you can’t do it). The guy strapped to my back and I scootch into position (I am not going to apologize for making up words). So there we are sitting on the edge of this plane 10,000 feet up over Illinois, he tilts my head back and ploops us out of the plane. A few seconds later he is tapping my arms which means we are now in free fall and I can “relax” and make sure I am arched. So arms out legs up I open my eyes. The completely surreal feeling I experienced while sitting on the edge of the plane is still with me. As I float through the air…ok actually I am falling through the air not floating but frankly when they say you will not experience the sensation of falling at all you really feel like you are flying they are not kidding… So I am falling through the air and the thought hits me, sweet Jesus at the rate my jowls are flapping I am going to have to see a plastic surgeon stat! They tell you it will be hard to breath because of the force of air blowing at you and you should breath through your nose not your mouth but at no point do they tell you that while flying thru the air you will think of nothing other than I NEED A PLASTIC SURGEON (I am considering a joint venture with a plastic surgeon to open a booth within VMAP and do consultations post jump to see if I can get my face lift free after so many referrals). So after about 60 seconds of staring at the ground face flapping in a way I really hope to never feel again the guy strapped to my back says “ok gonna open the shoot now you want to pull”? While this sounds like maybe some more inappropriate touching I say “nah I’m just along for the ride.” So he tells me there will be a little jerk and then we will start floating down ward more slowly. So the jerk takes place and I start to hang onto my shoulder straps for dear life (what exactly holding onto my shoulder straps is going to do for me while I plummet towards my death I really don’t know but this is the position I find comfortable). So we fall and fall and fall and turn and fall and turn and I get woozy and turn and fall. The guy strapped to my back who’s name is not Casper (that was D’s guy’s name) and who’s name I could not remember if you paid me to says ok lets practice landing. “Ok” I say “what do I do”, “pull your legs up” he says. So try with all my might and I now am realizing I need to spend WAY more time on my abs. So as I grunt and get one leg up about an inch (legs at this point should be parallel to the ground my legs for all intensive purposes are perpendicular to the ground) guy strapped to my back says “see those blue things on your legs grab those and lift”. So I grab and lift (well hot dog I got my legs parallelish) and he says “great good job! we will be landing shortly when I tell you to do that again”. So I say “ok got it”. Fall fall turn fall fall turn woozy again he says “two turns left you still doing ok”? I say “yup… uh… no… not so much, you should know I’m going to pass out.”Guy strapped to my back: “I’m sorry what?” Me: “you should know I am going to pass out now… brrrlblele” (that last part was me trying to say “I can’t” in response to him saying “Paula, hang in there we are almost done, hang in” I tried to say more but I am not sure if anything coherent actually came out prior to my loss of consciousness after the warning). So next thing I know I am blind again spontaneously blind, in my mind I am thinking “oh my I can’t see, wait I have been here before, are my eyes open? My eyes are open my eyes, my are closed, open closed open closed still can’t see holy crap I am really blind this time, what am I doing how did I go blind?” Then far far away I hear “Paula are you with me? Paula? Are you with me? SHE IS NOT WITH ME.” At this point the voice jogs the memory and I think “ok what was I doing? Oh yeah I jumped out of a plane and the…oh wait I passed out, I’m not fully back yet, I’m probably not actually blind” and the lights start to come back on and I can in fact see again. I then realize I am actually on the ground sitting with a guy strapped to my back who is saying my name over and over and finally I say “can I lay down now?” So I lay down for about 15 seconds get myself composed and get up and head towards the inside. At this point I see D running towards me arms flailing yelling woo hoo. D notices that I am apparently the same color as the green lawyer in the training video and she slows down a little. The guy formerly known as the guy strapped to my back says “so can I say one thing?” I say “of course what is it?” He says “WHO WARNS SOMEONE THAT THEY ARE GOING TO PASSOUT???? I mean it was really nice of you and all but never have I been warned before someone loses consciousness!” I say “I do” and off he runs. The owner of VMAP is now walking with me, D joins us at this point and owner guy says “wait did you actually warn him before you passed out?” and I say “yes of course I did, why wouldn’t I? I always warn people before I pass out, wouldn’t it be rude not to?”
So to sum up my skydiving experience, Do I regret it? ABSOLUTELY NOT! Very surreal experience glad I did it. Would I do it again? ABSOLUTELY NOT! If you ask D she may tell you that my response when the folks at VMAP asked me that my response may have been a hair less lady like.
To sum up this post;
1. I have an unnatural belief that someday I am going to become spontaneously blind
2. If I ever tell you I am going to win a scavenger hunt believe me.
3. We have more proof that I really need a life, who finds legal documents funny and entertaining??? Oh right I do.
4. If I ever warn you that I am going to pass out you should believe me.
5. If you ever ask me to go sky diving with you prepare for an un lady like response.
6. I like to make up words.
7. I like to number things.
There have been two occasions now in my 30 something years when I have actually thought that I had gone blind…spontaneously blind mind you…
The first occasion of this spontaneous blindness was years ago at a conference for work outside of Chicago. My coworker and I traveled to this conference together at some point in the first day before lunch there was an announcement that there would be a scavenger hunt. The rules were 4 people to a team, no more than 2 people from 1 company on a team. Over lunch I announced to a table full of strangers that my coworker and I would be winning the scavenger hunt so if anyone wanted to be on the winning team to let me know. My coworker looked at me as though I had just told her she was going to build a pyramid, life size with no help, just like the Egyptians did only alone. Oddly enough two women across the table who both had fearful deer in headlight expressions said they wanted to be on my team. About an hour into the hunt. In the middle of November. In Chicago (I apologize for the grammar here I am trying to infer pointedness, yes I made up that word too). It was determined that one of us had a fever and needed to stop hanging her head out the window like a puppy… So my coworker (who since then has been a surrogate mother to me on more than 1 occasion) dropped me at my hotel room and headed back out with the other ladies and completed the scavenger hunt. Upon her return to the hotel after midnight she was kind enough to check on me (ok I say kind enough…really she is that kind but at the time we were required to share hotel rooms so it really wasn’t like it was an option)…So when she returned I told her that her eldest son S was in a complete state of panic because he had called 4 times and could not understand me when I said his mother was out on a scavenger hunt in Chicago. The fifth time he called I told him she had in fact been back but had gone out to get me some Nyquil since I was sounding worse and still awake (such a good mom she is). He was very clear that he did not believe me at such an hour of the night, honestly I kind of think he thought I had bought her some fancy new cement shoes and sent her down the river, HIS MOTHER DOES NOT STAY OUT THIS LATE… Anyway back to the blindness. The next morning in one of the sessions at this conference I was listening to a gentleman talk about replenishment in the Jewelry department a truly riveting topic that I was looking forward to. I could hear him talking but I all of a sudden I could no longer see him. In my mind I immediately think “oh my God I’ve gone blind! I can hear him but I can’t see him, oh my God what am I going to do? Ok lets calm down a minute, wait hold on are my eyes closed? Ummmmm yeah not blind eyes are closed, phshew!” big sigh of relief (again please excuse the grammar).
Spontaneously blind situation number two… Oh and yes we totally won that scavenger hunt (and when I say we I mean they since I was dying in the hotel room while they were driving all over creation)…
This past Saturday as some of you saw I went Sky Diving. I went with the coworker/surrogate mother/freind who was responsible for that scavenger hunt win in Chicago...hmmmm interesting…Ironic? Coincidence? We may never know… So D turned 50 on Friday and has been for as long as I can remember in the 11 years I have known her been planning to jump from a plane for her 50th birthday. She considers this the kick off to her bucket list. So for some reason somewhere along the lines I agree to jump out of said plane with her. I have to believe that I had a moment of spontaneous insanity when I agreed to take part in such festivities, but agreed to it so now I must do it. So Sat AM we get up early and we head out to Vandalia municipal airport in Vandalia Illinois. Upon our arrival and check in we are given a 6 page legal document that requires our signature and initials in approximately 27 different places. I could go into a ton of details on said legal document and the level of redline edits/addendums that I would suggest this fine establishment consider implementing but since I am neither a real lawyer nor do I have any plans to be one I will spare you the majority of the details but will share some highlights. My favorite points; 1 if I die or if I am injured I cannot sue, sky diving is dangerous I understand I might die. 2 the gear required for sky diving must be worn tightly and requires instructors to touch me in places that I could find inappropriate or uncomfortable (wait what inappropriate touching and that handsome gentleman will be dressing me???? Giddie up!!!) . 3 The only warranty we make regarding the equipment you will be using today is that it has been used before (um really that’s the warranty do you ever actually check the equipment to make sure it’s still in reasonable shape??? Nope apparently not and somehow I still am agreeing to this…hmmm well I guess the inappropriate touching makes up for the potentially dangerous gear). After a good 15 min of hysterical laughter while reading these legal documents my friend and I are moved into a room where we are forced to watch a “training” video… Um yeah the next time I am given a legal document and told to read and initial it can I assume that I don’t actually have to read it? That I will be locked in a room and forced to watch a “training video” that contains around 10 min of a green man reading said legal document to me???
Sorry I will get to the dive and the second incident of blindness soon. So after the video we get geared up and after a short wind delay we board what they say is a perfectly good plane (I am not completely sure I agree that this is a perfectly good plane but not really the point of this story). So we get in the air and D and her tandem guy ploop out of the plane (yes another made up word, but the next time you jump out of a plane I want you to look me in the eye when you tell me that plop is not the perfect word it, bet you can’t do it). The guy strapped to my back and I scootch into position (I am not going to apologize for making up words). So there we are sitting on the edge of this plane 10,000 feet up over Illinois, he tilts my head back and ploops us out of the plane. A few seconds later he is tapping my arms which means we are now in free fall and I can “relax” and make sure I am arched. So arms out legs up I open my eyes. The completely surreal feeling I experienced while sitting on the edge of the plane is still with me. As I float through the air…ok actually I am falling through the air not floating but frankly when they say you will not experience the sensation of falling at all you really feel like you are flying they are not kidding… So I am falling through the air and the thought hits me, sweet Jesus at the rate my jowls are flapping I am going to have to see a plastic surgeon stat! They tell you it will be hard to breath because of the force of air blowing at you and you should breath through your nose not your mouth but at no point do they tell you that while flying thru the air you will think of nothing other than I NEED A PLASTIC SURGEON (I am considering a joint venture with a plastic surgeon to open a booth within VMAP and do consultations post jump to see if I can get my face lift free after so many referrals). So after about 60 seconds of staring at the ground face flapping in a way I really hope to never feel again the guy strapped to my back says “ok gonna open the shoot now you want to pull”? While this sounds like maybe some more inappropriate touching I say “nah I’m just along for the ride.” So he tells me there will be a little jerk and then we will start floating down ward more slowly. So the jerk takes place and I start to hang onto my shoulder straps for dear life (what exactly holding onto my shoulder straps is going to do for me while I plummet towards my death I really don’t know but this is the position I find comfortable). So we fall and fall and fall and turn and fall and turn and I get woozy and turn and fall. The guy strapped to my back who’s name is not Casper (that was D’s guy’s name) and who’s name I could not remember if you paid me to says ok lets practice landing. “Ok” I say “what do I do”, “pull your legs up” he says. So try with all my might and I now am realizing I need to spend WAY more time on my abs. So as I grunt and get one leg up about an inch (legs at this point should be parallel to the ground my legs for all intensive purposes are perpendicular to the ground) guy strapped to my back says “see those blue things on your legs grab those and lift”. So I grab and lift (well hot dog I got my legs parallelish) and he says “great good job! we will be landing shortly when I tell you to do that again”. So I say “ok got it”. Fall fall turn fall fall turn woozy again he says “two turns left you still doing ok”? I say “yup… uh… no… not so much, you should know I’m going to pass out.”Guy strapped to my back: “I’m sorry what?” Me: “you should know I am going to pass out now… brrrlblele” (that last part was me trying to say “I can’t” in response to him saying “Paula, hang in there we are almost done, hang in” I tried to say more but I am not sure if anything coherent actually came out prior to my loss of consciousness after the warning). So next thing I know I am blind again spontaneously blind, in my mind I am thinking “oh my I can’t see, wait I have been here before, are my eyes open? My eyes are open my eyes, my are closed, open closed open closed still can’t see holy crap I am really blind this time, what am I doing how did I go blind?” Then far far away I hear “Paula are you with me? Paula? Are you with me? SHE IS NOT WITH ME.” At this point the voice jogs the memory and I think “ok what was I doing? Oh yeah I jumped out of a plane and the…oh wait I passed out, I’m not fully back yet, I’m probably not actually blind” and the lights start to come back on and I can in fact see again. I then realize I am actually on the ground sitting with a guy strapped to my back who is saying my name over and over and finally I say “can I lay down now?” So I lay down for about 15 seconds get myself composed and get up and head towards the inside. At this point I see D running towards me arms flailing yelling woo hoo. D notices that I am apparently the same color as the green lawyer in the training video and she slows down a little. The guy formerly known as the guy strapped to my back says “so can I say one thing?” I say “of course what is it?” He says “WHO WARNS SOMEONE THAT THEY ARE GOING TO PASSOUT???? I mean it was really nice of you and all but never have I been warned before someone loses consciousness!” I say “I do” and off he runs. The owner of VMAP is now walking with me, D joins us at this point and owner guy says “wait did you actually warn him before you passed out?” and I say “yes of course I did, why wouldn’t I? I always warn people before I pass out, wouldn’t it be rude not to?”
So to sum up my skydiving experience, Do I regret it? ABSOLUTELY NOT! Very surreal experience glad I did it. Would I do it again? ABSOLUTELY NOT! If you ask D she may tell you that my response when the folks at VMAP asked me that my response may have been a hair less lady like.
To sum up this post;
1. I have an unnatural belief that someday I am going to become spontaneously blind
2. If I ever tell you I am going to win a scavenger hunt believe me.
3. We have more proof that I really need a life, who finds legal documents funny and entertaining??? Oh right I do.
4. If I ever warn you that I am going to pass out you should believe me.
5. If you ever ask me to go sky diving with you prepare for an un lady like response.
6. I like to make up words.
7. I like to number things.
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